Superhero Retirement Center
by Cowgirl Jack
Summary: The second edition of the residents of the the Superhuman Retirement Living Center for the Elderly and Disabled Champions of the Law. Follow the adventures of a geriatric JL as they battle Grey hair, Luthor, and being senile.
1. And Introduction for Our Glorious Heroes

                Disclaimer—All these guys are DC characters.  Enough said.  My first story.  Just came back from visiting a retirement home.  You think I made all of this stuff up?  No way, Jose.  Some of the non-superhero comments I overheard.

                Update—as you can see, I combined my Retirement stories for easier reading.  To those of you kind enough to review—BIG THANKS!  My only regret is that the reviews are now deleted.  A few of the funnier ones are below.  They were all great comments and I hope to hear new ones from new readers. J

                And, oh yeah, Hubert kicks butt. J

_Doubled over laughing_. You have a very cruel sense of humor! I feel so sorry for them all now... Prunes! Dialysis! Mammograms! _Laughing too hard to keep typing_—Onyx

I read the first one and laughed. I read this one and just cracked up. Oh God, Hawkgirl was the best. I can totally see her going after someone with a 'keet. And Bruce. Hehehe! Prunes!—Evil Lil' Katbird

I love it. Just hilarious! I hope you do another story in the Superhero Retirement Center! (Also--Hubert ROCKS! *G*)—LM

Superhero Retirement Center

                "You know, I'm not going to play chess with you if keep being this rude."

                "Shut up, Clark.  Of course you will.  You say that everyday.  Every freaking day since we've been at this place.  What's it been…twenty-five, twenty-six years?"

                Clark Kent—one time Superman—took a sip of Ensure.  And he thought Kryptonite was bad.  This stuff tasted like… "Crap.  Okay, you win again Bruce."

                Bruce Wayne grinned.  "So fork it over."

                "But—"

                "I beat you.  So fork it over."

                "Fine."  Clark pulled a bug of prunes out of his jacket.  "My last bag.  Hope you're happy."

                "Sure I am.  Stupid laxatives…"

                "Whoa!" Clark shouted.  "Didn't need to hear that much!"

                "What about you?  When's your next run with the dialysis machine?"

                "Yuck.  Tomorrow.  What's your day going to be like?"

                Bruce began to reset the chessboard.  At least he tried to.  His hands were shaking too badly.  Finally he gave up and began munching on the prunes.  "Prostate exam tomorrow."

                "You don't seemed to worried."

                Bruce grinned.  "You should see the doctor who does it.  Pretty little girl…"

                Clark groaned.  "Look, you're eighty now—"

                "Seventy-nine."

                "No, you're eighty now.  You were seventy-nine last year.  In fact, you've been seventy-nine for the last eight years.  I just figured it out!  You jerk—you know how much of a pain it is to find 'Happy Seventy-ninth Birthday' cards?  Anyways, I don't think women find you that attractive anymore.  Don't tell me you been taking the free samples of Viagra again."

                "Pretty bold talk from a guy with a diaper on.  And I'm not talking about the red underwear you use to wear with your uniform."

                There was a crashing sound, followed by a nurse screaming.  "Mr. West!  Come back here and take you shot like a grown man!"

                Wallace West, once known as the Flash, flew past Bruce and Clark.  He was in a wheelchair and connected to an IV, but that didn't seem to slow him down.  He used his arms to shoot forward.  "Still the Fastest Man Alive, baby!  Still the fastest—"

                The IV that Wally was dragging behind caught on a wire and forced the wheelchair to turn sharply to the left.  Suddenly the Fastest Man Alive was on the floor, groaning loudly.  The right wheel of the upturned wheelchair continued to rotate slowly.  "Now look what you've done, Mr. West."  Eight nurses rushed to him.  Two to place an ego-bruised Wally into his wheelchair, one to reconnect the IV, and five to hold him down for an insulin shot.

                John Stewart, who had been napping previously, woke up to see Wally try to wriggle his arm from the nurse.  "Ha-ha-ha," he began in that old-man style laugh.  "Glad I woke up to see that."  Then he went back to sleep, snoring loudly.

                Clark rolled his eyes.  "Somebody needs to shut him in his room when he's that loud."

                Bruce nodded.  "Or increase the morphine."

                Both men laughed.  One of the man nurses came running from the other end of the commons.  "Will someone go and restrain Miss Hol?  She just stabbed me with a plastic fork!"

                Bruce and Clark decided to go visit their old friend Hawkgirl.  'Visit' meant shuffling their old rears to the other side of the room near the fireplace.  There was Shayera Hol, sitting in a chair with a blanket covering her legs.  She was cooing at the little parakeet in the cage next to her.  "That pansy of a nurse was annoying Hubert.  So I stabbed him.  So what's the big deal?" 

                Bruce shook his head.  "Is this what we've been reduced to?  Look at us.  We use to be the Justice League.  Top heroes of the world."

                Clark nodded.  "Now I need these glasses.  Before, they were just a clever disguise."

                "Eh, Clark, they may have been a disguise, but never clever."

                Wally rolled into the room.  "Yeah.  And now I have this stupid needle up my arm all day."

                "My friend," said Clark.  "I think we have all learned there are worse things that can be probed in worse places…"

                John woke up again.  "I had something to say, but I forgot it."

                "Okay John," said Bruce.  "Go back to sleep."

                Shayera began rubbing Hubert's forehead.  "Tell me about it.  Years ago, the Joker, Cheetah, Grodd—they were the enemies.  Now it's gray hair."

                "And diabetes," said Wally.

                "And Alzheimer's," said Bruce, nodding at John.

                "And kidney stones," said Clark.

                "And…digestive problems," said Bruce, wincing.

                Wally sneered.  "I mean, I use out-run anything.  Stupid displaced hip."

                Shayera grinned.  "Should have drunk more milk."  Wally gave her a cold stare before Shayera threw an umbrella at him.  "Hey, don't complain.  Women always age worse.  I went through menopause, you sissies.  And mammograms.  And all my wing-feathers fell out.  Just top that."

                "Don't forget about the sagging boobs," said Wally.  He barely managed to dodge a book Shayera grabbed from the shelf.  "Kidding!  They always looked like that!"  WHAM!  Shayera had grabbed Bruce's cane and hit the back of the wheelchair.  Wally found himself on the floor again.  "Not again."

                "Here, I'll pick you up."

                Diana, Wonder Woman, pulled the wheelchair up.  "Hey guys.  J'onn and I were going to hit the mall, but we thought we'd stop by since we haven't seen you in a while."

                She still had an hourglass figure.  And jet black hair.  And no sign of spider veins or cellulite.  Shayera tried not to throw up.  "So how is everything?"

                Bruce shrugged.  "Nothing much going around here."

                Clark nudged him.  "Except for the smuggling job we busted."

                Diana and J'onn smiled politely.  "Uh, I think you told me this one…several times…"

                Clark didn't hear her.  "So Bruce and me are playing checkers, and Shayera was watching us.  And some bozo comes in with—guess what?"

"A chocolate Kudos bar…"

                "Right!  Well, I managed to spot it, so Bruce and I decide to stop him from giving it to Wally.  You know he's not allowed to eat that stuff.  So Bruce trips him with his cane and I fall on him."

                "That's not all," said Shayera, grinning.  She still had all her teeth.  She was the only one with all her teeth.  "Clark went and sprained his wrist _falling_ on the poor guy, and Bruce passed out from laughing at Clark."

Diana smiled at Shayera.  "So, how was the mammogram last month?"  Shayera winced politely.  "Well," said Diana, "we better get going."  She kissed all the men on the forehead.  "Uh…prunes.  That's real nice, Bruce."  Lucky for Bruce his blood pressure was too low to blush.  She stopped at Shayera.  "We'll have to go out one day and do something about the bad feather job they gave you."

                "They fell out.  And I'm not allowed outside until I stop scaring the nurses."

                "Ah…yes," said Diana as she slipped her are around J'onn's.  "Come on, J'onn.  I want a new pair of boots…"

                When they were gone, Bruce began to swear.  "She saw the prunes…"

                Shayera was just as upset.  "Okay, the whole menopause and mammogram thing would have been okay—if she went through it too!"

                John woke up again and looked at Bruce.  "That's girl that just kissed me—was that your daughter?"

                "No, John."

                "Oh," said John thoughtfully.  Then he added, "Is she my daughter?"

                "No, John.  That was Wonder Woman.  Remember, she was in the Justice League with us?"

                "No, that's wasn't Wonder Woman.  Wonder Woman had red hair, wings, and carried a mace."

                "That was me!" shouted Shayera.

                "Quit playing games, Robin," retorted John.

                "Okay!" said the male nurse.  "It's time for Bingo!  The winner gets enough Fiber-all for a month."

                "Oh!  Bingo!" said the five superheroes together.


	2. Luthor's Revenge

                "Psst.  Hey, Bruce."

                "Don't whisper, Clark.  The battery in my hearing aid is running low."

                Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne were now residents of the Superhuman Retirement Living Center for the Elderly and Disabled Champions of the Law.  Super-quality care for the superheroes of yesteryear.  Bruce called it 'The Super-Old-Folk's-Home.'

                Clark moved one of his checker pieces.  "Does that look like Luthor over there?  Sure looks like Luthor to me.  Same face, same eyes.  I mean, I could be wrong..."

                Bruce took five of Clark's pieces in one move.  "Clark, shut up.  Don't go senile on me like John."  Bruce leaned over and spied a bald man on a walker with a nurse at each side.  "Darn.  It _is_ Luthor.  How did he get here?"

                "Same as you, I suppose.  Paid the extra non-superpower fee?"

                Wally West was in the same room as Bruce and Clark.  The ex-Flash was now wheelchair bound with an IV that he had to drag around everywhere.  "Great.  Wait till Shayera and John find out."

                Bruce shook his head.  "Uh, John doesn't remember Luthor.  He keeps on confusing him with J'onn."

                Wally shrugged.  "Well, considering they're both bald, I can see that..."

                The nurses left Luthor.  "Hey guys."

                "Hello Luthor," said the three men.

                Luthor sat down in front of Bruce and Clark.  Clark had only two pieces left.  He sighed.  Once again, the World's Greatest Detective was going to win the day.  Clark had already lost his supply of prunes, five cans of Ensure, and a box of denture glue to Bruce.  The only thing he had of value left was a half-full bag of diapers.  Luthor leaned closer.  "Do I get to play next?"

                "Uh...no," said Clark.  "It's Wally's turn next."  Wally never played checkers, but there was no way they were going to let Luthor play.

                One of the nurses rolled an unconscious John Stewart into the lobby, a few feet away from Clark's chair.  "Mr. Stewart is having the appendix surgery in a few minutes.  I'll leave him here for now."

                Luthor turned his attention back to the game.  Wally pushed his wheelchair closer to the board.  "Back off, jerk."

                "Why is it you superheroes always have to ruin my fun," Luthor wheezed.  "Even at eighty-five!  No matter.  I thought I would get this kind of treatment here.  That's why I came prepared."

                Luthor reached into his jacket pocket.  Clark's heart stop for a moment.  He thought Luthor was going to pull out some Kryptonite.  But it was just a candy bar.  A king-size Three Musketeers.  Clark's pacemaker started up again in relief.  But Bruce winced-he had a pretty good idea what that diabolical candy bar was for.

                Luthor took a giant bite out of the candy bar, swallowed, and tossed the rest into Wally's lap.  "Nurse!"  Three nurses rushed in and asked Luthor what was wrong.  "This man here-is he allowed to have sugar?"

                "Oh my—Mr. West has eaten chocolate!"

                "I'll get the doctor!"

                "Help me roll him into the emergency room.  We're going to have to pump his stomach and flush out his gut."

                Wally was dumbfounded.  Then it hit him.  "Pump my...oh no!  Wait!  It's a mistake!  I wasn't eating this!  Hey, get your hands off my chair!  Clark, Bruce, please help me...hey, stop this chair now!  I'm not going anywhere!"

                Wally reached out with his hands and gripped the sides of the door.  The nurses pulled and pushed, but Wally would not let himself leave the living room.  This lasted about eight minutes, until one of the nurses got the idea of tickling Wally.  One hand lost its grip and the wheelchair creaked forward.  Bruce and Clark watch in mute horror as the pinkie, than the ring finger, than the middle finger, and at last the index finger fell from sight.

                In the hallway, Wally could still be heard, moaning.  "One down," said Luthor, grinning.  "Anyone else game?"

                Shayera entered the room.  She had Hubert, her parakeet, in her hand as she sat down on the sofa.  The bird was so enthralling to the Thanagarian that it took her two minutes to realize one of her old enemies was sitting across the room from her.  Shayera hissed.  "Luthor."  Even Hubert hissed.  Of course, he was only a parakeet, so it sounded more like a coo.

                "My, are we the little guttersnipe.  What happened to you wings?  Did you battle a giant hedge clipper and lose?"

                "They fell out."

                "Ah, yes, well, I suppose they're worse things than being bald."

                Shayera was ready to claw at Luthor when the chief male nurse came by.  "Now, Miss Hol, are we being to feisty again?"

                Shayera looked as though she was going to throw up.  "Now, what about your behavior?  We said you could come out if you promised to behave.  Than means no throwing of any objects, no threatening, and no summoning huge flocks of birds to poop on my Yugo—got it?  Or it's back to the Anger-management class for you, missy."

                Shayera relaxed back in the car.  "Fine.  If I can't make war, I'll rot my brain on TV."  She grabbed the remote and began watching Animal Planet.  There was a documentary on Easter-Atlantic Pale-bellied Swallows.  "And after the chicks are born, life becomes hectic for both parents as they struggle to feed—"

                "—And here were Congressmen Jones speaking on behalf of the committee..."

                Luthor had changed it to CNN.  "Hubert and I were watching that other show!"

                "Do I look like I care?"

                Shayera grabbed the remote and switched it back to the nature show.  "The hatchlings require five times their own body weight in food each day—"

                "—Jones hasn't spoken with the press in over two weeks..."

                This was too much for Shayera.  She got up-slowly, mind you—and then tried to get a grip on Luthor's neck.  Instantly two nurses grabbed her by the arms and pulled her away.  Shayera was foaming at the mouth.  "I'll get you for this..."

                One of the nurses pressed a syringe into Shayera's arm.  Her eyes fluttered for a moment, and then she went limp.  Hubert whistled sadly and followed the nurses as they dragged his mistress back to her cage.

                Bruce swore at Luthor.  "Why'd you go and do that for?  Listen here, Luthor—you don't scare me.  You can cry all you want, but when you start to mess with my friends, that makes me angry..."

                "You threatening me?  I'm shaking in my Dependables."  And nurse came by to straighten up the magazines.  As she left, Luthor slapped her rear.  Hard.  She leaped about five feet in the air, than spun around.  Luthor was ready.  He was looking a Bruce funny, with a mock grin.  "Gee Bruce, don't even bother about being discreet about it."

                The nurse's eyes narrowed.  "Mr. Wayne!  You've slapped my rear for the last time!"  And sure enough, Bruce was dragged back to his room.  Before he slipped away, Clark manage to hear, "John's surgery...not much time..."

                "Well, Clark," said Luthor, grinning.  There was no end to the smugness in his face, the cocky confidence.  "Just you and me now.  Man to man."

                "Right, let's finish this once and for all."

                Luthor was about to cry wolf to the nurses, but Clark was too fast.  He grabbed the wheelchair where John was napping and threw the ex-Lantern onto the couch.  John didn't even blink.  Clark grabbed Luthor by the cuff and tossed him into the chair.  Then he pushed the chair into the wall with a loud clang.

                One of the doctors, startled by the noise, went to go investigate.  "John Stewart.  Appendix removal.  Nurse, let's get this man on a table."

                "W—wait!" cried Luthor.  "I'm not the guy you're looking for!  I'm Lex Luthor!"

                "The former president?"  The doctor checked the record sheet on the back of the wheelchair.  "Alzheimer's.  Figure.  Okay team, let's get rolling."

                Clark enjoyed hearing Luthor's screams.  Unfortunately, his pacemaker couldn't handle the emotion, and went off-line again.

                "Aw...look J'onn.  They're so cute when they sleep."

                Diana had decided to visit her old friends at the home.  J'onn was there too.  All five of the retired superheroes were fast asleep in the living room.  Bruce, Clark, and Wally were all in their chairs, while Shayera and John were passed out on the couch.  John's snoring was deafening but the senior superheroes were too tired to care.  The day's events were very exhausting.

                "They look beat.  What do you suppose happened?"

                "With these guys?" laughed Diana.  "Probably nothing.  Maybe a long line at the prune juice dispenser.  They see so little action nowadays."

                Shayera's eyelid flutter.  She had a good mind to tell the Amazon to bug off.  After all, they had just defeated Luthor, didn't they?  The man was short an organ, at least.  Oh well...the medicine was still making her drowsy...


	3. JL's Day Out

            "Pass the Sweet 'n Low, please."

                "Forget it Wally."

It was another day at the Superhuman Retirement Living Center for the Elderly and Disabled Champions of the Law.  Four of the senior JL members were up and having breakfast at their table.  "Where's Shay?"

                "Shay?" asked John.  "Shay's dead."

                Wally rolled his eyes.  "No John, Shay is still alive.  She's usually the first one up.  That way she can wake us all up.  _Wally, its seven, what are you still doing asleep_?"  Wally looked at his friends, but they were all staring like something was wrong.  Maybe he wasn't funny enough.  "_Wally, get up or I get Hubert to bite your ear!_  Isn't she a trip?  Or—"

                "How about 'Wally, if you use Hubert's bird stand to open the cookie jar again, I will cram it where the sun don't shire.'"  Wally craned his neck.  Shayera had her parakeet's broken bird stand in her hand.  Years ago she use to hold a mace in those hands, but it was confiscated after she tried to break out of the old folk's home with it.  "Yeah, I like that one."

                Shayera sat down and poured two bowls of bird seed—one for Hubert and one for herself.  "Actually, this is sort of a mixed blessing."  Wally wasn't sure if Shay was going to thank him or hit him.  "Diana said she'd take me shopping—I haven't been out of this place since they busted me for using carrier pigeons to order weapons."  The JL remembered that day fondly.  Only Hawkgirl could knit a sweater for a bird with a mace in her lap.  "She's talking to the nurse right now."

                Clark sighed.  "I wish we could go shopping."

                Bruce looked at him.  "What would we do?"

                Diana came over to the table.  "Guess what?  With the help of my lasso, I managed to get a day out for _all_ of you!"

Shayera looked around at the mall.  "You think it's alright to leave the guys to their own devices?"

                Diana smiled in her preppy manner.  "Sure Shay.  It gives us 'girl time'."

                _What the heck would I spend girl time with you_?  "But come on!  They're incompetent without us?  Don't you remember?"

                "So…you shop here often?"

                "Uh, like, yeah."

                Bruce was still making passes at girls.  Clark wanted to bang his head against something.  Bruce was old enough to be some of these girls' grandfather, and it didn't stop them from flocking to him.  One girl with dyed pink hair stopped and winked at the four seniors.  Clark turned to Wally.  "So what do you want to shop for?"  Wally pointed towards the food court.  "No sugar!  That was the one condition—we will not get you on a sugar high."

                "No, I'm pointing that way because I just saw John leave in that direction.  Perhaps we should find him?"

                John hadn't felt this good in ages.  Some pink-haired alien had infested the local civilian area, and it was up to him, the Green Lantern, to save the day.  He used his stealth to creep up on the dastardly villain.  Using his ring to form a giant anvil, he rushed towards his enemy.

"Fear…day light…Gray Lantern's…left or right?"

Of course, the mall-going audience saw an old man grab an umbrella from the ice cream stand and rush towards a teenager.

"As you can see, ma'am, we have a wide selection of bird stands to chose from.  You have a personal favorite?"

                "Oh the bird stands not for me."  Shayera began digging in her purse.  She pulled out Hubert and stuck him on her finger.  "That's why I brought _him_."  She began cooing at the bird.  "Now, mommy says you can pick _any_ stand you want."  She placed him on a red one.  Hubert promptly released a dropping to show his displeasure.  "Alright."  She placed him on a red one.  He did the same thing.

                "Ah, ma'am, since we're inside the mall, where are not allowed to have live animals in here.  I'm afraid we'll have to take the bird away."

                Shayera's eyes flashed.  "_What_?"

                "Why, yes, I _do_ have a friend named Dick."

                Bruce's pack of teenage girls began giggled insanely.  But Clark and Wally had left, trying to find the ex-Lantern in the crowd.  "Sorry I'm not much use Clark, being only three feet off the ground."

                "Yeah well, I think I see John up ahead.  Come on we'll—Wally?  Wally?  Where are you now?"

                Meanwhile Bruce had gone too far.  He could hear someone shouting behind him.  "Hey you old geezer!  Quit talking to my girlfriend like that!"

                "Ah, whoops…"

                BAM!

                "We don't have a medium size.  Just large, extra large, and double-extra large."

                "That I'll take the double-extra—and add some sprinkles, will you?

                Flash was handed his giant ice cream cone.  Yummy…the Triple Chocolate Nightmare with extra toppings…

                Bruce couldn't believe it.  He was Batman!  How the heck did this little punk manage to hit him?  Bruce swung and managed to hit the guy.  Well, sort of.  His cane made contact with the guy's nose.  "You jerk!  You'll pay for that!"

                BAM!  OUGH!  SLAP!  POW!  ZIP!  YOW!  BANG!  BOOM! and FIZZA!

                A few hundred yards away, Clark didn't know what to do.  Wally had run—uh, make that _rolled_ off and John was fighting an imaginary foe in the food court.

                ZIP!

                A three-foot tall streak flew by Clark.  It had to be Wally—the creaking noise from the tires was unmistakable.  Things were going to get bad before they got better.

                "Ma'am, just give me the bird."

                "Never!"

                "Security!

                Diana could only watch as two security guards grabbed Shayera and pulled her away.  Diana found herself being escorted out too.  "No, you can't do this to me, I'm a princess!"

                Shayera was more practical.  "Hubert!  Attack for mommy!  _Attack for mommy_!"

                The last thing the shopkeeper saw before slipping into unconsciousness was a small collection of blue and white feathers zipping towards his forehead at an alarming rate…

                J'onn found himself writing a massive check for the bail of six of his best friends.  The rest of the JL had been incarcerated for 'unruly behavior'.

                "So as I understand it, John was harassing a young woman because he still thinks his GL?"  The officer nodded.  "And he wasn't stopped until Wally's wheelchair collided with him?  But not before Wally damaged about half the mall by crashing into things?  And then Bruce attacked _whom_?  Jeez, I guess I owe both the mall and the young man a check, huh?"

                "Do you want to know about Miss Hol?"

                "I don't need to.  The only reason I found out they were in jail was because this little guy," J'onn pointed to Hubert, perched on his shoulder and looking somewhat proud.  "He found me and mentioned something about the JL being in jail."

                Shayera, sitting in the cell with the others, couldn't help but grin.  "See?  He loves his mommy after all."

                "Shut up!" yelled the other five.


	4. Fun at the Zoo

Author's note—Thanks for the great reviews, ladies and gents!  I laugh just reading them.  By the way, a lot of these stories are inspired by real-life events.  Like in this one, I got one of the ideas after finding out my grandfather still had a love life.  Oh dear.  For those of you wondering when Hubert gets his own deal, well, I'm going to have a very special chapter for him.  Now, where did we last leave our heroes?

"Mr. Wayne!  You need to get dressed now!"

Bruce opened one eye to see a nurse in his room, laying some clothing on his bed.  "Everyone's almost ready.  They'll leave without you."

"Leave?  Where's everyone going?"

"Oh, don't you know?  We scheduled a day trip to the zoo today."

Bruce didn't even blink an eye.  "I don't want to go to the zoo.  My stomach hurts."

The nurse rattled a pill bottle.  "That's why I packed all your medicine.  Come on, Mr. Wayne."  The nurse realized she needed something to bait him.  "Mr. Kent is all ready to go.  Don't tell me _you're_ too chicken to go?"

"Bring me my cane." 

*              *              *

                And so our heroes found themselves sitting in the van, en route to the Zoo.  Hawkgirl and John were sitting next to each other, as were Bruce and Wally.  Clark had to sit next to Luthor.  "Why do we have to go to the zoo?" asked Clark to no one in particular.

                "Well," said Luthor.  "We _were_ going to go to the mall, but thanks to you five, we've been banned."

                Clark didn't know how to reply to that.  He leaned back and tapped Shayera.  "Look, we can't cause trouble this time, okay?  Show Luthor we're not a joke."

                "Alright.  Hubert will be on his best behavior."

                "HUBERT?" the nurses sitting in the driver's and front passenger's seats looked back.  Clark pretended he hadn't said anything.  When they both turned around, Clark began whispering.  "Hubert—you brought that darn parakeet—"

                "He said he wanted to see his Wild Relatives.  So I put him in my purse."

                "He's just a stupid bird—he can't talk to—" Shayera's eyes went red.  "Uh…right…forget I said anything."

                Clark got comfortable in his seat.  Shayera looked at John.  He had the facial expression of a giddy six-year old.  "Hey, GL," she said playfully.  "Ready for a date at the zoo?"

                "Please, Robin, we're not that close."

                Shayera bit her lip and said nothing. 

*              *              *

                "Shayera!  Let go of the map.  We'll go by the primate section and then head to the aviary.  Makes perfect sense."

                Shayera was pushing Wally in his wheelchair.  "But _I_ want to see the birds!"

                "Will you quit acting like a little kid?  Look at John.  He's acting his age."

                Shayera and Wally looked behind them.  John was holding a green balloon, some cotton candy, and a giant stuffed duck Shayera had won at the midway.  "Yeah.  He's _really_ acting his age there.  Look, come over here John."  Shayera forced Wally to hold the stuffed animal.  He made a grab for the cotton candy, but Shayera gave that back to John.  "You two can check out the other sections.  I'm heading to the aviary."

                "What?  You can't leave me alone with John?"

                "What's the worse that could happen?" 

*              *              *

                "Psst.  Bruce."

                "Clark, I'm going to tell you one more time.  I can't hear you when you whisper.  Now, what is it?"

                "Check out Luthor's pocket."

                Bruce leaned over and saw Luthor.  He was looking into the lion exhibit.  There was something green in his pocket…  "Does that look like what I think it looks like?"

                "Some sort of green rock…"

                "Hello?  World's Greatest Detective?  How about _kryptonite_?"

                Bruce elbowed Clark.  "I was getting to that."

                "At my age, that could be fatal.  Go do something about it."

                Bruce looked Clark in the eye.  _Boy, nothing changes all these years, huh_?  "Why the heck do I need to save you from this?"

                "Because I need your help!"

                Bruce lifted an eyebrow.  "And?"

                "Please."

                "_Say it_."

                "Never."

                "_Say it_."

                "Fine."  Bruce hands Clark a small piece of paper.  Clark puts on his glasses and begins to read.  "You are a superior hero to me.  I wore red underwear outside my body.  My mommy made my costume.  I was lame.  My alter ego was a nerd and only wears glasses.  My girlfriend was a bitch—hey, this wasn't on the list last time..." 

*              *              *

                "See, Hubert?  These are all the birdies that mommy brought you to see."

                Shayera was having a blast.  Hubert was making so many new friends.  "And this, Hubert is the Harpy Eagle.  The largest of her kind…"

                The massive raptor took one look at Shayera, another at Hubert, and swallowed the parakeet in one gulp.

                "_HUBERT!_" 

*              *              *

                "Hey, check this out John…"

                "Quiet Flash!  These areas are not patrolled!  It could be dangerous."

                "The nurse didn't give you your medicine, huh?"

                John was pushing Wally through the Primate section.  It was pretty neat.  They were in a very shaded area covered with tree branches.  "Look at this!  We can feed the little monkeys if we wanted to."

                "Reminds me of Grodd," said John.

                "That lame-brain?  Please…" Wally was about to say more when two pairs of arms grabbed his and hoisted him up into the trees.  "What the—"

                The chimps and monkeys drew Wally into the branches.  Then they proceeded to pick his hair and making noises.  "Well dang.  I've been kidnapped by apes."

                Meanwhile, several feet below, John was trying to figure out what happened.  "Flash was here a minute ago.  And now he's gone."  John could hear the monkeys above him.  "What a minute…Flash…monkeys…apes…GRODD!  Grodd is back!  I need to save Wally—again!" 

*              *              *

                "Eh, Luthor?  Mind if I join you?"

                "Why not, Bat-geezer."

                Bruce got Luthor talking about the old days pretty quickly.  Back when Luthor was _the_ villain to go up against.  And Superman was more than a windbag.  It was just the perfect thing to distract him.  "So, I bet you still wished you had some kryptonite."

                "You're telling me!  Just to shut his trap for a while!"

                Bruce smirked and held up the kryptonite.  It was a small piece, about one inch by two inches.  "Looks like you still do, Luthor.  Planning on threatening my old friend with it?"  Bruce tossed it in the lion's pen, where it fell into the water.  "Looks like the heroes score a point in this round."

                "You ass!  That was my money clip."  Bruce smirk disappeared.  "Get it back."

                "How?"

                "I don't care _how_.  Get it back." 

*              *              *

                "Security!  Someone's trying to _strangle_ the Harpy eagle!"

                "Let him out!  Let him out!  Hubert?  Can you hear me?  Mommy's going to be there in just a minute—_hack him up or by the Seven Hells I shall deliver a Mighty-Ass whipping_."

                "Ma'am, please leave the bird—"

                SMACK went Shayera's purse against the zookeeper's jaw.  The Harpy eagle took off.  "Oh _no_," groaned Hawkgirl.  She looked at her back.  About seven feathers near the tips had finally grown back.  Otherwise she was as flight-capable as a plucked chicken.  "Well, maybe I can just climb a tree and throw things at it until I knock her down." 

*              *              *

                "Ha!  That tickles!"

                Wally was having a blast.  The monkeys were just handing him sugar-filled fruit and picking dirt from his hair.  One placed a pile of leaves on his head.  "So, what, I'm your king now?  Cool."

                Meanwhile, John was climbing the trees.  The situation was critical.  His ring had gone out (well, they had taken that years ago…Wally had given him a new one from a Cracker Jack box).  The Flash was being held hostage by Grodd.

                "You ******* excuse for a raptor, you overstuffed and underbred waste of feathers, come and fight me!"

                _Oh no!  Hawkgirl's in trouble too_.  John looked back at Wally.  "Heck, Flash can take care of himself." 

*              *              *

                "Uh…Clark…"

                "Yes Bruce?"

                "You know that kryptonite you made me get rid of?"

                "Yeah."

                "It wasn't kryptonite."

                "Oh ****."

                Bruce's eyelids opened wide.  He had never…ever…_ever_ heard the Boy Scout say _that_."

                They walked over to the lion's cage.  The money clip was lying in the water.  "You go get it."

                "No way.  You tossed it in there."

                "_You_ told me to."

                "I just told you to get rid of it.  Not my fault you goofed-up."

                SMACK!

                Bruce slapped Clark on the back and the ex-Man of Steel fell face forward into the lion's lagoon.  SPLASH!  "Ha!"

                SMACK!

                Luthor pushed Bruce right after him.  "No!" 

*              *              *

                "O-o-ah-ah," said a chimp.

                "What?  Now that I'm king, I get a queen?  Rock on.  Is she hot?"

                The leaves parted.  A female orangutan began smacking her lips as the monkeys and chimps dragged Wally closer to his bride.  "No, I don't want to…ah…" 

*              *              *

                "You jerk!"

                "You sissy!"

                "You have a Protocol for landing in a lion's drinking pool?"

                "You're going to save us with your amazing powers?  Or will that kryptonite money clip stop you?  Super-vision you _don't_ have!"

                "Ah, Bruce?" winced Clark.  "I'm getting that woozy feeling…"

                Clark's eyes rolled back.  "What the?"  Bruce grabbed the money clip.  Luthor was laughing above them.  "You ass!  The money clip is made of kryptonite!"  He threw it as Luthor, and it hit him in the eye, causing the old tycoon to fall into the water too.

                Meanwhile, someone above them was shouting.  "Three old men have fallen in the lion's cage!  And it looks like the old guys are…_fighting each other?" _

*              *              *

                Shayera finally found a big enough rock.  "DIE YOU SON OF A—Ah!" the branch Shayera was on broke, which threw her aim off.  It plummeted into the trees.  She fell several feet, trying to cling to branches.  She tried flapping too, but her wings were still too featherless.

                "Hold on, Hawkgirl, I'll save you!"  John jumped right below Shayera and pointed his ring at her.  _Why isn't she slowing down?  Oh wait Flash said the battery was_—"Ah!"

                Shayera fell into his arms.  "John?  She gave him a peck on the cheek.  You saved my life!  I'm speechless!"

                "I slipped a disc." 

*              *              *

                "No!  I don't want to marry a monkey queen!  Ouch, don't bite me!  Okay, okay I don't want to marry an _ape queen!"_

                KERPLUNCK!

                A rock had mysteriously landed on the orangutan's head, causing her to faint.  In surprise, the monkey's dropped Wally right back into his wheelchair, when he used the excess sugar to spin away.  He continued to fly at an accelerated rate.

                "Well I've learn my lesson today.  Don't accept strange fruit from talking monkeys!" 

*              *              *

                "You bald-headed freak!"

                "Who's the freak, Bat-fart?"

                "Uh, guys?" said Clark.

                All three men turned to see a very hungry-looking male lion breathing on them.  "Ah!"

                "Don't just sit there!" said Luthor.  "Rescue me!"

                "Rescue _me_!" said Clark.

                "Will the both of you," said Bruce as he waved his cane, "shut up!"

                The lion batted his giant paw at the cane, sending it spinning into the air.  It hit the back of the Harpy eagle's head, causing it to spit out a very lucky parakeet…that promptly crashed into John's hand.  "John…you saved Hubert too!"

                She swung her arms around John's neck and planted a kiss on his lips.  "Hey…I saved the day _and got the girl.  I thought only Batman had that luck."_

                "Hey, there, handsome," said Shayera, batting her eyes.  "How about you and me have some fun with your old ring…I still have the maces and the chains in my room." 

*              *              *

                "Do something _else_!" whined Luthor.

                "Uh…I'm out of ideas."

                "_Batman's saying that?  We are doomed."_

                "Quiet," said Clark.  "Don't you hear that?"

                "Hear what, Clark?  I'm half-deaf."

                "It sounds like…squeaking wheels…oh dear…DUCK!"

                Something metallic flew above there heads.  "Ah!  I can't find the brakes!" 

*              *              *

                "And in other news tonight," said the anchorwoman, "three old men found themselves stuck in a real 'Lion's Den'.  The trio of hapless ancients was saved when a forth elderly gentleman crashed his wheelchair into the face of an attacking lion.  Everyone left with only minor scratches and bruises."

                Bruce turned the TV off.  "Just great."

                "It could have been worse," said Shayera.

                "How?"

                "I could have lost Hubert."

                Bruce rolled his eyes.  "Oh yeah.  Well, that just made the whole trip worth it."

                "Well, John's got a bit of his marbles back?"

                "What?  John's sane again?"

                Shayera waved her hand.  "Alzheimer's comes and goes.  I just helped it…go."  Bruce stared Batman-style at her.  "It's just a matter of…reminding him…of the good old days…I think I've said too much…"

                "Wait!" laughed Wally just as Diana walked in.  "You knocked boots with _John_?"

                "Did I come in at the wrong time?" said Diana, obviously disgusted.  "Um…here's your medicine, Shay.  Although it looks like you don't need it as much as I thought."  Wonder Woman left.

                After she left, Wally continued to laugh.  "I mean…come _on_, this is _John, he has the memory of __fish.  What makes him the hottest bit of action at this place?"_

                "He has more stamina than you, Speedo," was Shay's only reply.


End file.
